For myself, I have learned to say, that strategy is what I learned and have been used to doing, but it isn't working for me anymore. I want to do something different. Or be different, or whatever.
Interesting discussion. Imho, in a way you are both right. But nothing has made more sense to me than to regard the ways I try to cope with the world as seeing it as maladaptive, that in the midst of trauma or suffering a behaviour came to be that lingered... only to never really resolve, now keeping me in loop I don't really want or even hate myself for still doing, thus really now maladaptive.
Because what happened was that noone, nor I, was able to understand or meet that behaviour with understanding, with a sense of logic, even in the midst of it being very unhelpful.
Once the immediate threat is over the behavaviour continues... but she has a point.. maybe we are also hyper aware of something actually still happening, just not to as great extent and thus we are still in a way adapting? Or is it all an echo still lingering?
I can, of course, only speak for myself. What I have come to find throughout my years of trying to stop my maladaptive habits is that they have been cut from context leaving me to feel wrong and stupid and labeled therapy resistant. In a way therapy was trying to put me into a superposition state, just like drugs. Not adressing the root cause. Nor the aftermath as something completly logic.
Why is it so hard for so many of us, including the many CBT therapists I have met, to say Sheesh that is a lot to handle, I can see you wanna numb out. I would also have been very scared under gun point. No wonder you lack trust, your friend doing that to you. What did that do to you? How did it make you feel? What did that make you think of yourself when that happened to you?
And how can we be with all of this and walk you to a place where this no longer keeps you doing and thinking things that are not helpful?
..Instead of telling me I should have run, why didn't you just run Stina??
..Well because I thought he would kill me.
I understand the need for words, but to me the discussion about to call it maladaptive or not is a metathing.
You can name it whatever for as long as there is no validation of a persons way of trying to survive and feel safe the person will not let go and will most likely keep on doing whatever it was because the need for stafety was not met.
And these keeps on building into even more guilt, shame and for some of us even more feelings of not being able to cope. Even to the depths of suicidal ideation.
What we really should be adressing, imho, is how can we embody a space where these behaviours are seen as survival rather than flaws?
Both within ourselves as these habits and patterns that we become aware of and for the people we turn to for help.
Man, I am sorry that your therapists haven't met you with understanding. Their whole job, it would seem, is to uncover the root causes and bring light and thereby bring healing to what happened there.
If the pus deep inside isn't drained, the wound at the surface recurs, no matter what kind of ointment or bandage is put on top to cover it up. (I hope that analogy is helpful and not offensive.)
I think that you are right that ultimately it's about the stance behind any words that are used.
I call it a reaction right now and am trying to remove judgement from it (it doesn’t need a label to be viewed as unhelpful in my current life if I feel distress when I respond a certain way.)
I am working to listen to my feelings, and understand the source of why I sometimes react strongly, and then to learn to trust myself and maintain a felt sense of safety even if I’m having difficult to tolerate feelings. It sounds simple in print and is far from simple to live. But I think this is part of the work - to learn to respond to distressing reactions without judgement and to comfort ourselves in the middle of it, then to evaluate where we need to work through what happened in the aftermath to support ourselves and respond in ways that feel more easeful in the future. It’s iterative. Not instant. But I think focusing on experience without judgement is more important than labeling.
(Though I don’t take any offense to calling things maladaptive in the present. I think it’s true. I just try to not self judge as I’m a harsh self critic when I go down that path and it is one of many things that drives perfectionism in me - something that doesn’t improve my life.)
I dunno…. I call them patterns and parts with myself and my clients.
A part learnt a certain way of survival, and that develops into a pattern of behaviours that no longer serve. If you look about you, we are seeing everyone’s patterns.
Helps ask the question “what happened “ as opposed to “what’s wrong “.
True insight! Such intelligent psychologist is a blessing! I am reading Crossing Zero and the value of the content is immense.
For myself, I have learned to say, that strategy is what I learned and have been used to doing, but it isn't working for me anymore. I want to do something different. Or be different, or whatever.
Interesting discussion. Imho, in a way you are both right. But nothing has made more sense to me than to regard the ways I try to cope with the world as seeing it as maladaptive, that in the midst of trauma or suffering a behaviour came to be that lingered... only to never really resolve, now keeping me in loop I don't really want or even hate myself for still doing, thus really now maladaptive.
Because what happened was that noone, nor I, was able to understand or meet that behaviour with understanding, with a sense of logic, even in the midst of it being very unhelpful.
Once the immediate threat is over the behavaviour continues... but she has a point.. maybe we are also hyper aware of something actually still happening, just not to as great extent and thus we are still in a way adapting? Or is it all an echo still lingering?
I can, of course, only speak for myself. What I have come to find throughout my years of trying to stop my maladaptive habits is that they have been cut from context leaving me to feel wrong and stupid and labeled therapy resistant. In a way therapy was trying to put me into a superposition state, just like drugs. Not adressing the root cause. Nor the aftermath as something completly logic.
Why is it so hard for so many of us, including the many CBT therapists I have met, to say Sheesh that is a lot to handle, I can see you wanna numb out. I would also have been very scared under gun point. No wonder you lack trust, your friend doing that to you. What did that do to you? How did it make you feel? What did that make you think of yourself when that happened to you?
And how can we be with all of this and walk you to a place where this no longer keeps you doing and thinking things that are not helpful?
..Instead of telling me I should have run, why didn't you just run Stina??
..Well because I thought he would kill me.
I understand the need for words, but to me the discussion about to call it maladaptive or not is a metathing.
You can name it whatever for as long as there is no validation of a persons way of trying to survive and feel safe the person will not let go and will most likely keep on doing whatever it was because the need for stafety was not met.
And these keeps on building into even more guilt, shame and for some of us even more feelings of not being able to cope. Even to the depths of suicidal ideation.
What we really should be adressing, imho, is how can we embody a space where these behaviours are seen as survival rather than flaws?
Both within ourselves as these habits and patterns that we become aware of and for the people we turn to for help.
Man, I am sorry that your therapists haven't met you with understanding. Their whole job, it would seem, is to uncover the root causes and bring light and thereby bring healing to what happened there.
If the pus deep inside isn't drained, the wound at the surface recurs, no matter what kind of ointment or bandage is put on top to cover it up. (I hope that analogy is helpful and not offensive.)
I think that you are right that ultimately it's about the stance behind any words that are used.
I call it a reaction right now and am trying to remove judgement from it (it doesn’t need a label to be viewed as unhelpful in my current life if I feel distress when I respond a certain way.)
I am working to listen to my feelings, and understand the source of why I sometimes react strongly, and then to learn to trust myself and maintain a felt sense of safety even if I’m having difficult to tolerate feelings. It sounds simple in print and is far from simple to live. But I think this is part of the work - to learn to respond to distressing reactions without judgement and to comfort ourselves in the middle of it, then to evaluate where we need to work through what happened in the aftermath to support ourselves and respond in ways that feel more easeful in the future. It’s iterative. Not instant. But I think focusing on experience without judgement is more important than labeling.
(Though I don’t take any offense to calling things maladaptive in the present. I think it’s true. I just try to not self judge as I’m a harsh self critic when I go down that path and it is one of many things that drives perfectionism in me - something that doesn’t improve my life.)
You're so right - it's hard. And it's worth it. Keep up the good work.
Thank you!
It’s an adaptation! Jan Winhall and Frank Anderson had a wonderful conversation about this, with integrating IFS and Felt sense PVT.
I dunno…. I call them patterns and parts with myself and my clients.
A part learnt a certain way of survival, and that develops into a pattern of behaviours that no longer serve. If you look about you, we are seeing everyone’s patterns.
Helps ask the question “what happened “ as opposed to “what’s wrong “.
“Old feelings”. That’s a term I hear myself use a lot. Both privately and professionally.
And NEVER “maladaptive” emotions in the counselling room.
Ps: thanks so much for a clear, warm and insightful post